I’m finally done with what I hope is the last ever I visit UTP for, (postgraduate study is another story). Im so drained. For the past 1 month or so, I tried focusing and kept myself awake. Wasnt an easy journey. So much distractions and uneasiness, but it all came down to 16th August 2009. I gave it my best. Squeezed out what ever good behaviors that I could from what I had inside my over-tortured and saturated brain. Convocation! is fun, but convocation after graduated for 7 months, and still do not have a job… SUCK!
I should be feeling relief+happy+excited but strangely enough, I don’t feel anything. In fact im feeling so alone right now. So empty. So lost. Its like I’ve suddenly lost my sense of direction. Its making me feel so inadequate. Its like what am I suppose to do now? I feel like I just got dumped or something. Haha. But seriously, it just feels so weird right now. Like previously I have my studies to concentrate on, so now what? I mean, technically Im still not done with study yet. Study is life long journey. I’m still have to pursue postgrad somewhere near future. Arghh… I just cant put it down it words to describe exactly how im feeling and what Im going through. (Besides the fact that I feel like im coming down with a flu or something). This feeling maybe same with the feeling some of my friends who gets a decent CGPA, graduated, convo-cated and still do not have any job. But well, literally others have no job, but they still have something to do, but me… I’M TOTALLY JOBLESS and GOT NOTHING TO DO. damn!
Anyways, right after my convocation ceremony, amiza and my parents headed down to IRC (Information Resource Center) for a session of self-photography (cam-whoring lol!). We let ourselves loose. And by all means we did pose with our hearts out. We cam-whoring like no one is watching :), errr… not really, someone is covering up and shy-shy cat in front of my family. Surprisingly, for someone who loves cam-whoring. I mean LOVE!. It does feel pretty good.
and here are photos of shy-shy cat person
p/s: panas giler weh dalam robe tuh!
Because of jobless, during my convocation, I feel so disconnected from people around me. Ive lost any forms of motivation and any self belief that I had left. I thought I would get over it, this failure and the disappointment in myself. I thought I would pull it thru and carry on. I thought I was strong. But clearly im wrong. The fear, the nightmares, the disappointment is still here. Im still feeling defeated. I used to be stronger. I used to be happier. I used to be more involved and in tune. But now, I dont even know myself anymore. Who am i? Who or what have I become? I feel like a stranger even when im with my own groups of friends. Sometimes, I have to put up an act, force a smile just to get by without getting caught.
I feel like im losing grip of everything, my hopes and dreams. I feel like im losing all the ones I love. I feel like im losing myself…
In the name of Allah, the most gracious, the most merciful
Ya Allah, I pray to you to give me the strength and the determination for me to do what is needed of me. Make me a better muslim, make me a better son. Help me through this tough phase and show me the splendor and beauty that you have given upon us. Amin.
enjoy the pics :
thanks mum, dad, izzah and amiza.
*actually im a bit happy, lolz!